I never did remember much of my childhood. My memories start from when I was about 11. And before that, if any, it was never much, just bits and pieces. In the last couple of years though, things have started to come back, mostly because something triggered a certain memory. It can be a certain smell, a song, a place, and all of a sudden another piece of my childhood comes back. Or maybe it's just because I am more open to it. And when something like that happens, I wonder how I could have ever forgotten it and it mostly brings a smile to my face, because I actually remembered something 'new' (kind of like Dory does)! I think there are some things that I might have even blocked for years or those I have never processed, not really anyway and some of those memories or feelings come back from time to time too. And those are the less colourful parts that I can't blame myself for forgetting. Things I never shared with anyone, that I kept to myself, that I was too ashamed for or blamed myself for, that I didn't know how to handle and so I tried to deal with it myself. Not that anyone ever noticed much, since I always dealt with it behind closed doors and always smiled on the outside. And I remember that I actually was an overall social, very happy (and loud hehe) kid. And as many other kids, I was bullied when I was younger, but I think that in the end, I have started to realize that I was my own worst enemy. I was the one that dealt with it in a certain way, not sharing it and believing everything kids told me. Until I had that turning point in high school, when I finally was able to let go, to lead, to stand up for myself and others, to not care so much what others said about me, to not be insecure, to be proud of myself, to just live! And that happened more and more each year and it was somewhere during my college years that I knew I wanted to travel! And so when I finished college and went on my first real trip with a good friend, I loved it but I also felt like I was missing out on so much back home, summer break with all these (new yet close) friends I made and the great life I was living as this person that I loved. This is one of the reasons why I cut my trip short, I was too connected to home, and not ready to leave everything behind I guess. But then being back, I couldn't wait to leave again and I did, a week later. I left for another 3 months. And when I was home for just that week, seeing everyone again but knowing I did not need nor want to be here, it is then I realized that I should choose me and that they would be fine and so would I. And I guess that home is where my heart is although I have always said that Arnhem is and always will be my home. Anyway when I realized what I wanted and could let go and actually went for it with all my heart, I remember feeling free, without a care in the world, full of dreams. Planning trips, small and big. And this feeling grew and grew and grew with every step I took abroad. And every time I am abroad, I can be whoever I want to be really. And on most trips that I've taking by myself, I almost feel like a superstar, not like I'm famous or anything but it's just me and I am 100% myself. There's no obligations, time almost doesn't exist and I live in the moment. I shut down my 'thinking' brain, my conscious, which hasn't always worked out for the best, but in that moment it feels right. And I still look back from time to time and I remember more and more from my childhood, but good or bad, I still smile because I look back and see what I have accomplished and that anything is possible. Just always remember that you've got to look at the good in your life and focus on that. And yeah I know, I am going back to that fairy-tale like mind state ;). Just today I told my co-workers that I live in a world of unicorns and rainbows. But in whatever world I live in, it's most importantly that I do, I just live :)!
Tuesday, October 03, 2017
I just live
I never did remember much of my childhood. My memories start from when I was about 11. And before that, if any, it was never much, just bits and pieces. In the last couple of years though, things have started to come back, mostly because something triggered a certain memory. It can be a certain smell, a song, a place, and all of a sudden another piece of my childhood comes back. Or maybe it's just because I am more open to it. And when something like that happens, I wonder how I could have ever forgotten it and it mostly brings a smile to my face, because I actually remembered something 'new' (kind of like Dory does)! I think there are some things that I might have even blocked for years or those I have never processed, not really anyway and some of those memories or feelings come back from time to time too. And those are the less colourful parts that I can't blame myself for forgetting. Things I never shared with anyone, that I kept to myself, that I was too ashamed for or blamed myself for, that I didn't know how to handle and so I tried to deal with it myself. Not that anyone ever noticed much, since I always dealt with it behind closed doors and always smiled on the outside. And I remember that I actually was an overall social, very happy (and loud hehe) kid. And as many other kids, I was bullied when I was younger, but I think that in the end, I have started to realize that I was my own worst enemy. I was the one that dealt with it in a certain way, not sharing it and believing everything kids told me. Until I had that turning point in high school, when I finally was able to let go, to lead, to stand up for myself and others, to not care so much what others said about me, to not be insecure, to be proud of myself, to just live! And that happened more and more each year and it was somewhere during my college years that I knew I wanted to travel! And so when I finished college and went on my first real trip with a good friend, I loved it but I also felt like I was missing out on so much back home, summer break with all these (new yet close) friends I made and the great life I was living as this person that I loved. This is one of the reasons why I cut my trip short, I was too connected to home, and not ready to leave everything behind I guess. But then being back, I couldn't wait to leave again and I did, a week later. I left for another 3 months. And when I was home for just that week, seeing everyone again but knowing I did not need nor want to be here, it is then I realized that I should choose me and that they would be fine and so would I. And I guess that home is where my heart is although I have always said that Arnhem is and always will be my home. Anyway when I realized what I wanted and could let go and actually went for it with all my heart, I remember feeling free, without a care in the world, full of dreams. Planning trips, small and big. And this feeling grew and grew and grew with every step I took abroad. And every time I am abroad, I can be whoever I want to be really. And on most trips that I've taking by myself, I almost feel like a superstar, not like I'm famous or anything but it's just me and I am 100% myself. There's no obligations, time almost doesn't exist and I live in the moment. I shut down my 'thinking' brain, my conscious, which hasn't always worked out for the best, but in that moment it feels right. And I still look back from time to time and I remember more and more from my childhood, but good or bad, I still smile because I look back and see what I have accomplished and that anything is possible. Just always remember that you've got to look at the good in your life and focus on that. And yeah I know, I am going back to that fairy-tale like mind state ;). Just today I told my co-workers that I live in a world of unicorns and rainbows. But in whatever world I live in, it's most importantly that I do, I just live :)!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)