Part of the herd, bèhhh - Finding my way back to enjoy life

When I was younger, there was a time I was bullied for dressing different, looking different, just.. being different. My mom always told me to wear what I felt comfortable in and so I did, I still do (I now just have better taste or so I'd like to believe haha). I'd try to laugh off all the bad comments and smiled to the ones that said them, but I felt miserable on the inside at times and would hide my tears and pain behind closed doors. At some point their comments became my reality and I'd focus on all the things that I didn't like about myself either. But I also wanted to somehow fit in and for them, for everyone, to be my friend and so I would put on a mask and sometimes even went along with things just to be liked. But it never really worked out, because I was different and I had yet to learn to appreciate that :-). And I was mostly happy as well, I had friends, family and all the food I wanted (haha). 

And then I went to high school and there was still some bullying at the beginning and me and my brother didn't get along much at some point either, especially when we had our first computer that we had to share. Maybe that's the reason I still don't like electronics too much haha. Anyway I made new friends in high school and it changed me or maybe I simply allowed myself to be more of who I felt I had always been. And so at some point I decided to not focus on the negatives anymore and if people didn't like me for what I looked like or who I was, it was their loss. Not that I was never hurt by words anymore, but I looked for what I did like about myself and that helped me get stronger and made it easier for me to brush things off. Things between me and my brother also cooled down as we got older and we helped each other out in school and even in computergames.

Then college came and I went abroad for my internship. During that time, I lived with family in Florida and helped take care of my cousins when I wasn't working (which I loved doing, youngest at home and here I felt like a big sister). I wasn't old enough to go out there yet and so I worked, went home, ate my dinner. I figured this was a life to have later, not while I was in college. And so when I got back home, I wanted to make the most of it, of each day. I wanted to live life to the fullest and not fit in and not ever be part of the herd. 

And I started going out, even by myself sometimes (but I would know a girl that worked there and always made new friends) and I traveled the world and did all the things I wanted to do and see. I'd never put things off. If I wanted it, I'd work for it, triple overtime if I had to. And traveling meant the world to me (no pun intended). I chose me, always, and lived an (to me) extraordinay life in which I felt the happiest I have ever been.

And for the last couple of years I have had times that I felt like I was part of the herd and that goes against my nature. I tried to adapt, but things were piling up and taking their toll. I always worked so I could travel, and so there have been days when I couldn't travel that I wondered why I would even get up for work, what's the point?! And I would also get confronted with some demons of the past or the life that used to be. Things I thought had long been processed, but maybe they were just lurking in the shadows and never stood a chance because I was having so much fun living life, all the time. And I would get anxious or panicked at times because I wanted to break free of the herd, I wanted to run, to fly, I wanted to live (again).

And this, whatever it is I'm doing at the moment, isn't enough anymore, and I still try, I walk, go see a movie, I read, I garden, sounds exciting doesn't it ;-)?! And it helps, from not going completely crazy but only for a bit. And yes, I need to find a way to process and cope with a lot of crap, but traveling always automatically did that for me. To be on my own, in another 'world' where I am always 100% myself, living my best life and without ever holding back, has always helped me somehow to make sense of things and to let go of some stuff, it gave me peace, energized the hell out of me and I took that home with me. And even in writing this, I have a smile on my face, remembering that feeling, writing helps too. And music helps, always did. A song is connected to a certain feeling or a memory or a person or a place, etc. And it can energize me to a certain degree, clear my head and also help me go through some things by reliving them. And so that's what I started doing again lately, listen to music and walk, the sun helps a lot too :-). And carefully, very carefully, and slowy, very slowly, I started looking for trips again but also within Europe this time, just in case the world is a mess again after the summer. And I look forward to not feel like I am part of the herd anymore but part of the world again and go where ever my heart takes me!

I wrote this a while ago. Somewhere during the end of Covid or maybe right in the middle. But wanted to still share it. A bit of a backstory and also feelings I had back then and still or again have today. I just got back from my last trip a week ago and am feeling a bit lost again, wondering what's the point of it all?! And looking for the things again that make me happy. The last years I've kind of been on survival mode, go where I was needed, both at work as private. Taking care of others and their needs and not what it was I needed. And yeah, I did go away but also with others in mind. Either on trips with others or visiting family or friends, almost as if I had to and time was limited and things were rushed and that takes a bit of the fun of traveling away. Not that it hasn't been great seeing familiar faces all over the world and did have great trips :-) but I just need a bit just for me as well. And I just kept going, just a little while longer and then I can do me again...and that also took a bit of a toll. And I know, It's the choices I made and I am my own worst enemy ;-). And so being back now, and having completed bringing my aunt back, I felt like I was coming home to a bit of emptyness. I am feeling a bit uneasy about everything, and don't want to go back to being part of a herd at work or in life. And I am trying to again find my way. To where I wake up excited for each and every day carefree. And in typing this, a small smile appears on my face. And I know it is possible again :-). Cause all I want, is to just live life but mostly enjoy life again a la Talitha!

“We travel not to escape life but for life not to escape us.”

Unknown.

"Don't forget yourself. Its never too late".

EDIE

T.

Part IIII: Back to Indonesia for my aunties 84th birthday! / Saying good bye and going back home...

-Pictures & videos are added at the end of the post (in random order). Happy reading-

My final part is about to begin...

Landed in Bali, got picked up by Jack. Who texted me that he was faithfully waiting for me and send me a picture of the sign with my name. I soon after found the sign, but no Jack haha. Other drivers went looking for him and when he later saw my text with the sign but without him, he laughed. It then took forever to get to the hotel that was almost next to the airport. Rain was pouring down and I was so tired. It took about an hour and a half to get to the hotel due to heavy traffic and closed roads. We laughed a lot though, especially when I told him my mom was born in Indonesia and he started speaking Indonesian to me, and I didn't understand most of it. And then he said No husband? No. And only here for satu hari (one day)? Yes, but I've been here before. And he finally dropped me off at the hotel and wanted to have beers on the beach with me that evening so he could be my friend for one day, which I kindly declined haha. I also declined his offer to drop me off at the airport the next day. I chilled at the hotel for a bit and went for a walk when the rain had stopped because I wanted to get a massage and also just to walk around. I stayed in Kuta and it wasn't busy, nice area. Lots of minimarkets, restaurants, a mall, shops, etc. and some 'taxi, taxi?' but not like in Ubud. I found the same massage place as in Ubud and so I went there, had an hour footmassage which was really nice and walked around the mall after that. After I came out, it was pouring!!! So I took a Grab taxi back for less than €1! I love it!! 

Didn't do much the next morning, walked around for a bit, bought some cheese to put on my Ozzie crackers and arranged some stuff and then checked out. I ordered another Grab taxi but for some reason it kept going the wrong way, it had already been 20min since my request when it said 5min away and I had to drop off my bags no later than 1245. It was now well after 12 and it said he was another 8min away! So with help from the staff at the hotel, I cancelled the Grab and got another one and got to the airport around 1230, pfew! Bag weight: 15kg.

It's a short flight back to Jakarta, about two hours and I then have to travel to Cimahi, which is close to Bandung. I am flying atm and have no idea how I am getting back. I was suppose to be picked up but it was never confirmed. The family was going to check but I lost my wifi at the airport. And so we'll see when I land. Worst case scenario is that I have to catch a Grab taxi, which is pretty expensive (for here) since it's about 2-3hrs, would be around €50. Same price as my flight from Bali to here incl. luggage.

Landed! Jakarta is always busy, I landed at Domestic and being one of the few foreigners there, I became an easy target: Taxi? Taxi? Miss, taxi? But didn't bother me that much and telling them no or just making a handgesture (not a middle finger haha, just a bit of a low wave of the hand, as in playing Poker or Blackjack when you don't want another card) comes natural to me. And this one guy kept trying and started waving so I waved back, made him laugh haha and he didn't ask me again. The pick up was confirmed in the end and after trying to find each other and having to take a skytrain from Domestic to International, I found myself in the front seat next to the driver with 3 other guys in the car. 2 of them spoke a bit of English and I understood some of the Indonesian they spoke, so it was a nice ride. We didn't talk much but I listened a lot to their conversations and read whatever signs I could outside looking for any words I knew. We took a half hour break at km 88 (which was only about half an hour before we were in Cimahi), they had asked me if I minded a stop when we left the airport because they had already been in the car for two hours when they picked me up. And of course I didn't.

I walked around for a bit during our stop, watched a hundred small birds flying from tree to tree and then walked back to where they were sitting and they invited me to join them. We left a bit after that and got to Cimahi about half an hour later. In total after landing and finding them and driving to Cimahi, it took about 4hours I think. I was welcomed at the door by my aunties daughther, she was so happy to see me again! And I was happy to be back as well. My auntie was happy as well, she had missed me but was also a bit sick (coughing) so kept her distance. I hugged her anyway :-). We talked for a bit and when they went to bed, I finished watching another movie.

Mingu, sunday! Today we celebrate aunties 84th birthday (I had 85 in mind, don't know why because I know her birthyear). Her birthday is on monday but today is a better day for everybody. We had breakfast and I talked to my aunt for a bit about how she was doing, how the last two weeks had been and if she had no regrets. And even though she said her body was still getting used to being here, she had no regrets. This is her country, where she was born and raised she said laughing.

Around 12ish her other daughter arrived with two of her kids and their wives and kids (one kid each). One of them sat next to me and said: Our name is same, Rita, Talitha. Face is not the same, you are white, I am yellow 🤣. We both laughed haha, she was a bit younger than me btw. And whilst the older ones call me their adopted sister and my aunt calls me a 'vondeling' sometimes explaining to others how we met or how we are related, because we are not blood related or anything and so we kind of adopted eachother as well, to the greatgrandkids I jokely became auntie Bule (Bule=foreigner) haha. But also auntie beautiful when one of them asked me to take a photo with her baby. It was a fun couple of hours. We sang Happy Birthday, auntie blew out the candles on her cake, there was a lot of food, laughs and photoshoots haha. My aunt never really celebrates her birthday, and so when I came over in Holland with cake she would ask me why and I would tell her because it's your birthday! She didn't want to do much here as well but I did kind of plan it that way so I got to be here with her but not that there needed to be a party or anything, maybe just have some food together as we did in Holland and that is what we did with the family at home :-)! When everybody left a few hours after that, auntie and her daughter both went into their rooms to rest and I layed on the couch and watched movies, and that's all I did the rest of the day. And chatted a bit in between when either one of them came to join me for a bit.

I didn't sleep well that night again. I haven't slept all that good in the entire time that I've been away. Due to noises or because it's hot or whatever. And so I wake up a lot but I also fall asleep soon after, because you get pretty used to it and so I do feel rested. I wonder how it will feel when I get home and it's dead quiet hehe (or somewhat quiet). And in the beginning of the trip I noticed how tired I was when I allowed myself to do nothing or not so much because I never really do at home or not lately anyway. But doing a lot of nothing and getting used to a slow paced life, pelan pelan, doesn't make me that tired anymore during the day which might be good, giving myself a break in a very long time. Even though I still have a lot on my mind to arrange but that's all, the body rests while the mind races. And I remember the first night in Ubud when I did sooo much stuff, I finally slept the entire night without any interruptions. Didn't the next night though or any after, but that's okay, I still haven't really felt tired.

And at the house, besides chatting with my aunt and her daughter and the occasional visitor, I haven't done much. After one day of doing nothing, I wanted to get out of the house, I thought I was going crazy if it was like this an entire week. Especially after I had done something every day in Australia! And I started looking up stuff to do, but had to take an hour Grab (taxi) to get there and in the end I found some shows to watch and a bit of sunshine in the backyard and so that's what I did the next days :-). And also to stay close to my aunt to talk whenever. And it's also nice to be in a Indonesian house and soak up the culture, the food, the language, the life.

One day, my aunties daughter said; Tomorrow is laundryday, to which I replied; How excited! Haha and she laughed, she felt bad that she couldn't take me anywhere or that there wasn't anything to do. But I told her not to worry!

And today is not only laundry day, but we are also going out together, and the other daughter is coming too! And after another broken night, because the cat woke me up at 3am wanting to go outside and I woke up from other noises, the sun is shining and I am ready to go! The mall was fun, we started with some food and ended it the same way. And in between, we walked around for a bit. And my aunt got her hair done, that took some time and so I walked around for a bit by myself. It was nice and of course people also looked at me, mostly kids and teenagers and so I just smiled and they would smile back. And on the way back I had a fun short conversation with the Grab driver. I always sit in the front when we go somewhere and they always ask about me. And we had a half English, half Indonesian chat. I understand more words everyday and write down most of what I learn. And hopefully I will remember and will try to practice some once I get back.

And today, the day after, I am looking at hotels for my final night before flying home. And for some reason it's taken me forever to choose one, didn't just start looking for one today. Maybe it's because I'm pretty relaxed, pelan pelan, and/or maybe because booking a hotel makes leaving my aunt and us having to say goodbye real. And it feels a bit strange to spend my final night & day in Indonesia not with her. But it might also be good to be by myself for a bit before flying home. And of course I hope she will get to live for years and years to come so I can see her again in a year but it is kind of an ending either way, an end to our adventure together and to a lot of planning and arranging to get her here. And also a lot of fun times and laughs, memories I will cherish forever with my aunt, who has felt like an oma to me and that also brought back memories of my oma which felt nice in a way :-). As I am writing these last two paragraphs, I am sitting in front of the house because there is a power outage. But just so you know, I was actually just about to make a decision on a hotel! 

Okay, check! Power is back on and after a few people told me that it's ok to take time for myself and also ok to spoil myself, I booked a nice hotel :-)! We had our final meal together that night; satay and soto, the same meal as on the first day of our arrival, and after that I went back to watching movies with Indonesian subs, have learned quite some words that way. My transport to the hotel is booked for tomorrow late afternoon because a group of local women are coming by tomorrow and they want to meet me hehe. And so after my 2nd movie, I too went to bed. My final night here at the house with a loud fan next to the bed that is necessary because it's so hot. But somewhere I can almost feel the cold fresh air that is waiting for me back home, winter here I come. Well almost anyway!

December 9th. Woke up, said my good mornings, ask my aunt how she was doing and she was resting for a bit because her legs hurt. So I went back to my bed, opened up the 9 on this mininadvent calendar my cousin from Australia gave me, another angel, took a picture for her and packed it up. Packed the rest yesterday, well I never really unpacked but added whatever came out of the laundry! It still fits, just have one added bag with food items that the family got me here to bring back with me as handluggage. I am allowed 30kg check in on the way home and I don't think they care much about handluggage but officially I think it's 7kg so I'm good to go on both.

Time to say bye. We've talked about it the last couple of days, me and my aunt, about leaving. And she told me she would worry because I was by myself, but also that I was used to it, to travel by myself and when I would be back and stuff. And the morning of me leaving she said she was sad, that she didn't like (ik vind het niet leuk) me leaving and if I couldn't stay with her forever. Having family and friends scattered over the world, I know the feeling and sacrifice. Me and her daughter shared a few tears, thanked eachother and said we would stay in touch. It feels very strange leaving her and the house. It also feels like I've been there a lot longer than what I was.

The ride over there should have been 2,5hrs but we picked up two more people and due to heavy traffic, that took forever. We passed Cimahi again 2hours later, sometimes the logic is lost to me but it's also out of my control and so there's no need to get frustrated about it. I'm just thinking about the warm bath I'm taking once I get to the hotel hihi. And the driver is playing some local music by Denny Caknan and there seems to be no traffic on the highway and so I had hoped for a smooth rest of the ride. But the exit we were suppose to take was closed due to a Christmas celebration, sure, why not right?! And so the driver decided to drop the other two passengers off first. I wasn't amused and was thinking; this is what happens when I try to spoil myself haha. In the end it took me about 6hrs to get to the hotel instead of the max of 3hours. I said that it was not ok, but there wasn't anything I could do about it. Finally got to the hotel around 10pm, so everything was already closed incl. the mall next door (closed at 10pm). Room looks great though, ordered some roomservice and watched a movie! No bath today!

Went to bed really late, after 2 am. Hoping I would also sleep in a bit but I was up by 8 again. Had a very relaxing day, the mall next door is HUGE and so I walked for about 5km. Tha's how big it is. I then went for a mani/pedi, ladies were so sweet, a bit 'jut&jul' but really nice. And I'm glad that my suitcase was full because I would have bought some more (food) souvenirs if I could haha. Didn't do much else except relax, walk around the mall and finally took my (final) bath, happy days :-)!

Flight is at 02:25 so left the hotel around 11pm to get to the airport around midnight.

On the way to the airport, again not a smooth ride but I learned from the last ones and left in time. It's hard to leave the country as the realisation is kicking in that I am leaving my aunt behind. And we are not leaving together like we arrived together, but also that it is ok. And getting to the gate, I recognise it straight away. It's the same gate that I departed from with my mom in 2019 when I took her back to Indonesia for her 65th birthday and also the same gate when I was forced to return home in 2020 during Covid and they kept delaying the flight and I thought I was never coming home again and this time around, I don't know if I want to go home. It's funny how these things go sometimes. But I am going home and I have a busy week ahead, back to reality! See you there!

Part III: *JUMPS OUT OF A CLOSET AND YELLS SURPRISE* / Back to Australia / Surprising my cousin for her 60th!

-Pictures & videos are added at the end of the post (in random order). Happy reading-

Check in luggage was only 10,6 kg. Getting rid of the books must have helped hihi. But I also took some stuff out and added it to my handluggage. Flight was about 6hrs and I had 3 seats to myself, happy days :-)! Didn't sleep much though, could have been the cocktails or the excitement!

Wrote this as I had just landed; I'm here and she has no idea!!! So excited!!! And I might have been a bit mean about it haha, telling her how I wished I would have been there for her 60th (but not saying it's a wish that would come true) and that I was flying to family again (she asked me about that later and I said, yeah and are you not family?! She assumed that I went back to Indo). And I can't believe I'm here either. It's been 3years since I saw them last and supermarkets were empty due to Covid. I then did the Great Ocean Road with a friend from back home that was working in Australia at the time and I got stuck in Melbourne for about a week because of Covid after that. And missed out on a month of traveling through Indonesia. It's strange being back here after such an unwanted departure but so so excited! Landed!

I was super tired and wasn't feeling all that great, might have been from sleep deprivation. And so after getting through customs like a champ, I just sat at the airport for a bit...my mind was on non active. What was I going to do?! Touched base with the family and eventually decided to head down to the appartmentbuilding they had rented and drop off my bags. I explained the situation to the manager and she had no idea there was a surprise, and told me I could come back at 1pm to check in early and prepare my surprise! So I headed into the city by bus for a bit with a paper map in hand (as usual). And this lady on the bus asked me if I needed help after getting off. She told me where to go and said if you see the Christmastree you are in the right spot. Okay, thanks, wait did she say Christmastree???

Yeah she did and there it was, quickly passed it and went to the Central Market, just to find another HUGE Santa at the entrance (the airport was also decorated for Christmas already and I saw so much that I might be over it when I get back home). Anyways, last time that I was here was almost 10years ago. I was there for about 24hrs and met up with a girl I met in New Zealand, she worked at the Central Market at the time and lived in Adelaide. And so even just landing in Adelaide earlier that day brought back some memories (I almost made it on tv as they were recording for Border Security). 

I walked through the city for a bit and decided to walk back to the appartmentbuilding. Ended up to be quite the walk but got back at exactly 1pm! Checked the appartment out to find a good hiding spot for my stuff and myself. I then wanted to take a nap, had about an hour left but it wasn't meant to be. I was texting with my cousin, her husband and her daughter. Telling the husband and daughter about the appartment and where I would be hiding and with my cousin about random things. It was soo funny!! They told me they were there and I figured I had some time left because they still had to check in and so I walked to the window to see if I could see them and they were right at the gate, so I quickly ducked haha. Oh and was the 'anonymous/unknown' that commented on my last blog; are you still in Indo or in Australia yet? I deleted it as soon as I saw it because that could have ruined the surprise!! Anyways, if you leave a comment and thanks if you did/want to, please always sigh it with your name :-).

Anyway, I hid in de closet and waited...front door opened and I heard their voices. It was sooo weird and also so excited! And they did a whole photoshoot and tour while I was dying in the closet haha. And she finally walked into the room I was in and so I jumped out and yelled SURPRISE!!!! She dropped the phone (was recording the appartment tour) on the bed, hands went to her mouth and she almost dropped down to the floor on her knees. Gotcha! Husband and daughter were laughing, I helped my cousin up and hugged her and told her that she didn't really think that I was going to miss her 60th right!! She was in total shock for a bit and kept hugging me but also quickly cussed at the rest because they knew and apparently her brother and sister also knew haha. It was great seeing them again! She still was a bit in shock for the rest of the day haha. We had some drinks, chatted for a bit, headed out to the Central Market. I had just been earlier so I gave them the tour haha.

We had a few days in Adelaide together, went to the Botanic Garden. Basically a city park, but theirs are gorgeous! The plants, the animals. Hundreds of bats that were flying around, colorful birds, it was so so so nice!! And it also felt natural being together with them. My cousin mentioned that to me as well. I also went to the Adelaide 500, the reason they went to Adelaide. It's racing cars. Not really my thing, but it was cool. And loud, very loud! And you also kind of hope something happens, not really a big crash but maybe just a tiny one, haha. And it was also a sunny day and they sold cocktails, also espresso martinis. They are pretty popular here, espresso martinis, saw them everywhere we went!! After the races ended, we went back to the appartment. There was a Robbie Williams concert in the evening that I wasn't going to go to, but it was included in the ticket and so I decided to go anyway. My first concert of an international celebrity. He sang mostly old songs, so I was able to sing a long and he also told a bit of his life story and how he got kicked out of Take That, how he had been sober for 20+ years (I think, could have been a little under as well) and how this tour was a bit of therapy for him. It was a great mixture of that combined with humor and so pretty enjoyable! Oh and we also watched the new Jackass movie, haha we all laughed so hard!!

After Adelaide we went to Glenelg, a harbor/beach town. Cute area and lots of old people! The house they rented was on the beach and almost next to the airport! We heard planes depart and land. And it was so windy at the beach but on our first night me and my cousin (the daughter) went for a quick freezing dip! We spent the rest of our time reading, shopping, walking, watching movies, eating, laughing. I laughed so much with them and it was so great being there and also quite natural! 

On my cousins 60th birthday, I gave her the bag of presents I'd been carrying around, some stuff from holland, an apron I bought in Guatemala and a card from Bali. She got really nice gifts from everybody! We then went out for lunch, harbor town outlets and dinner! All in all I had a great time with them and it would have been nice to join them for the rest of their way back home. I also loved being in Australia again, the surroundings, the wildlife, the people, and of course family!

After our final day togeher of mostly chilling and getting me presents (a silly bunch they are, but so so sweet), they dropped me off in Adelaide again and continued their way to their next stop! I walked around for a bit on my final day in Oz and took the bus to the airport early next morning to fly back to Indonesia.