When I was younger, there was a time I was bullied for dressing different, looking different, just.. being different. My mom always told me to wear what I felt comfortable in and so I did, I still do (I now just have better taste or so I'd like to believe haha). I'd try to laugh off all the bad comments and smiled to the ones that said them, but I felt miserable on the inside at times and would hide my tears and pain behind closed doors. At some point their comments became my reality and I'd focus on all the things that I didn't like about myself either. But I also wanted to somehow fit in and for them, for everyone, to be my friend and so I would put on a mask and sometimes even went along with things just to be liked. But it never really worked out, because I was different and I had yet to learn to appreciate that :-). And I was mostly happy as well, I had friends, family and all the food I wanted (haha).
And then I went to high school and there was still some bullying at the beginning and me and my brother didn't get along much at some point either, especially when we had our first computer that we had to share. Maybe that's the reason I still don't like electronics too much haha. Anyway I made new friends in high school and it changed me or maybe I simply allowed myself to be more of who I felt I had always been. And so at some point I decided to not focus on the negatives anymore and if people didn't like me for what I looked like or who I was, it was their loss. Not that I was never hurt by words anymore, but I looked for what I did like about myself and that helped me get stronger and made it easier for me to brush things off. Things between me and my brother also cooled down as we got older and we helped each other out in school and even in computergames.
Then college came and I went abroad for my internship. During that time, I lived with family in Florida and helped take care of my cousins when I wasn't working (which I loved doing, youngest at home and here I felt like a big sister). I wasn't old enough to go out there yet and so I worked, went home, ate my dinner. I figured this was a life to have later, not while I was in college. And so when I got back home, I wanted to make the most of it, of each day. I wanted to live life to the fullest and not fit in and not ever be part of the herd.
And I started going out, even by myself sometimes (but I would know a girl that worked there and always made new friends) and I traveled the world and did all the things I wanted to do and see. I'd never put things off. If I wanted it, I'd work for it, triple overtime if I had to. And traveling meant the world to me (no pun intended). I chose me, always, and lived an (to me) extraordinay life in which I felt the happiest I have ever been.
And for the last couple of years I have had times that I felt like I was part of the herd and that goes against my nature. I tried to adapt, but things were piling up and taking their toll. I always worked so I could travel, and so there have been days when I couldn't travel that I wondered why I would even get up for work, what's the point?! And I would also get confronted with some demons of the past or the life that used to be. Things I thought had long been processed, but maybe they were just lurking in the shadows and never stood a chance because I was having so much fun living life, all the time. And I would get anxious or panicked at times because I wanted to break free of the herd, I wanted to run, to fly, I wanted to live (again).
And this, whatever it is I'm doing at the moment, isn't enough anymore, and I still try, I walk, go see a movie, I read, I garden, sounds exciting doesn't it ;-)?! And it helps, from not going completely crazy but only for a bit. And yes, I need to find a way to process and cope with a lot of crap, but traveling always automatically did that for me. To be on my own, in another 'world' where I am always 100% myself, living my best life and without ever holding back, has always helped me somehow to make sense of things and to let go of some stuff, it gave me peace, energized the hell out of me and I took that home with me. And even in writing this, I have a smile on my face, remembering that feeling, writing helps too. And music helps, always did. A song is connected to a certain feeling or a memory or a person or a place, etc. And it can energize me to a certain degree, clear my head and also help me go through some things by reliving them. And so that's what I started doing again lately, listen to music and walk, the sun helps a lot too :-). And carefully, very carefully, and slowy, very slowly, I started looking for trips again but also within Europe this time, just in case the world is a mess again after the summer. And I look forward to not feel like I am part of the herd anymore but part of the world again and go where ever my heart takes me!
I wrote this a while ago. Somewhere during the end of Covid or maybe right in the middle. But wanted to still share it. A bit of a backstory and also feelings I had back then and still or again have today. I just got back from my last trip a week ago and am feeling a bit lost again, wondering what's the point of it all?! And looking for the things again that make me happy. The last years I've kind of been on survival mode, go where I was needed, both at work as private. Taking care of others and their needs and not what it was I needed. And yeah, I did go away but also with others in mind. Either on trips with others or visiting family or friends, almost as if I had to and time was limited and things were rushed and that takes a bit of the fun of traveling away. Not that it hasn't been great seeing familiar faces all over the world and did have great trips :-) but I just need a bit just for me as well. And I just kept going, just a little while longer and then I can do me again...and that also took a bit of a toll. And I know, It's the choices I made and I am my own worst enemy ;-). And so being back now, and having completed bringing my aunt back, I felt like I was coming home to a bit of emptyness. I am feeling a bit uneasy about everything, and don't want to go back to being part of a herd at work or in life. And I am trying to again find my way. To where I wake up excited for each and every day carefree. And in typing this, a small smile appears on my face. And I know it is possible again :-). Cause all I want, is to just live life but mostly enjoy life again a la Talitha!
“We travel not to escape life but for life not to escape us.”
Unknown."Don't forget yourself. Its never too late".
EDIE
T.
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