The big 3-0

Howdy y'all,

It's been a while since I put any words on 'paper'. I started a few times, but never seemed to be able to make it into a story and actually finish it (or maybe I just didn't want to share it). But since I've got a million hours at the airport and a computer with free wifi at my disposal, I will use my time wisely. I bought a few snacks and am stationed next to a Massage chair corner (15min for 1eur) so I think I'll be ok...

So let's start by reviewing last year for a bit. I started working at TenneT (yet again, 5th time's a charm?) and it was only about a month later that I had my own appartment (rental). It happened rather sudden and fast, and so I had already booked a few weekends away in Europe. This meant that it took about a month for me to move in. I had most of the flooring done within the first weekend, thanks to my awesome friends. And no, not those builder like-male friends which I didn't seem to have but awesome girls and gays :)!! Anyway, after that I had to pick out furniture, a new kitchen, and pack all my stuff. Now luckily, I didn't have a lot of stuff, but anyone who kind of knows me, knows that I am terrible at picking out things that need to last for years (and cost money). A bit of a challenge, but I did it in an acceptable amount of time. Which doesn't mean that I finished everything (details), let's just say it's a work in progress.

I was overjoyed with my own place, finally a place where I could display my souvenirs, my stuff, my life really. A place I can call home and finally invite friends and family at my place instead of me going to theirs. Some have called it a museum, cozy, but most say it's totally me. It's colorful, organized, practical, and wordly! But of course, that little bird on my shoulder kept telling me to go away, to fly, to travel. So I went on a few citytrips in Europe, to the States twice (San Francisco to visit my cousin who was studying there and on a roadtrip, half of it with a friend, half alone - I did write about these trips, see previous posts), and to Thailand during my birthday to celebrate it with family from Australia. Oh and let's not forget the weekend to Kuala Lumpur in November haha, I was able to fly with my friend who works at an airline and another girl I met in Myanmar a few years back who turned out to be a mutual friend, reunion in KL!

Anyway, when I left Thailand after about 10 days, I didn't want to. I remember looking back once walking towards the airplane, wondering if there was a way out. I wanted to catch the next plane anywhere else but home. I loved being back in Asia and see how simple life can be. Anyway, life continued and then 2018 came and I wrote this:

There it is, 2018 is a fact. I made it, yet again. At the beginning of 2017, I thought I had it all; a job, an appartment, trips planned for the rest of the year... it was all there, and yet I wasn't. I lost myself somewhere along the way, for reasons I can't explain (or don't want to). I felt unsure of everything, everything I felt, that I did, and also everything I was. I didn't understand any of it, which made it harder to deal with. But after months of just moving on, I conquered it, I learned and I evolved. Yet, here I am, 2018 is here and I still have doubts with most decisions I make. It almost seems like I long so much to be part of something, something bigger, something more. It never seems to be enough, I can do more, I can see more, I can be more. And life should be more. Maybe it's still getting used to this 'normal' way of living. I keep telling myself that every day is an adventure, but is it? When I'm bingewatching tv..it sure doesn't feel like it and maybe it doesn't have to be either. My new years resolution: To find happiness/satisfaction in something else than traveling.

This is the first time I read this passage since I wrote it in the beginning of last year and it almost brings me tears to my eyes. I forgot how I felt, but it all comes back retyping it, which might me the power of writing (your feelings down). Especially because I was sitting here, smiling, listening to my music, dancing on the chair a bit (sitting down of course). It's safe to say that I haven't felt like that in a while but I do remember not knowing what to do or where to go next. I also met a bunch of expats that gave me that feeling a bit of being abroad, even though we were dancing in my hometown. But we communicate in English (mostly), which I love doing. It's like, "when you can't take the girl abroad, bring abroad to her". But I did realize in the last year, that I need a break every once in a while and so does my body apparently and my mind definitely does.

I did go away btw in the beginning of 2018, to NY, always wanted to visit the city and a collegue was performing in Carnegie Hall, so I just had to go!! It was freezing and I didn't care for the city too much. What I  loved most was getting on a bike and riding through traffic, walking to Central Park with 4 layers of clothing on haha and having a sub at a local shop :), oh and seeing the Law&Order building as seen on tv (NERD). After that I didn't go anywhere, except for a few weekends away in Europe. I wanted to go away in March, then in May, but had little inspiration and couldn't get into my 'travel-flow' and actually plan something. And so I ended up not going at all until now (October), which I also didn't book until a week before I left.

So going back to my new years resolution, not 100%. That itch to travel, will never go. And I promised myself that next year (2019) would be different and I already have a few things planned, so fingers crossed...uhm no, not fingers crossed, I WILL EXECUTE THESE PLANS and travel my a** off :)!

My next blog will be about my trip through Malaysia :). Oh and yeah, I turned 30 a few weeks ago, but who cares right?! Have a fabulous day! Only 4hrs left at the airport...yaaaaawn! Time for a massage ;-)!

Cheers,
T.